Over a year

It's now been over a year since Rhonda was diagnosed with GB. In many ways life is much less stressful and for that we are very thankful. We can exist at the basic level as long as we do very little extra. However, the last few months have actually been a bit discouraging. Rhonda's recovery seems to have stalled. She also continues to experience significant leg pain if she increases her activity. The first week of school was certainly one of those occassions. It has brought back some feelings and stress associated with the past year. As always, we hope and pray for improvement.

No relief yet

Thank you for praying!! I am tolerating the medicine(less drowsiness), however I have had only a little relief from the pain. Because I have to slowly increase it, it will be a couple weeks before I am on the maximum dose. I am trying not to think much beyond this because I continue to pray and hope that it will work.
It has been a little challenging since the boys came home because my pain went from manageable to difficult to manage. It is amazing how my increase in activity affects my legs and my head. Thankfully, Cody will start preschool on the 21st each morning and Bennett will start on the 26th. We are hoping that this will allow me some rest time each day so that I will be able to handle the activity of the rest of the day.

New medicine

Please pray as I try to adjust to some new medicine that will hopefully help the nerve pain in my legs. A couple of months ago I started taking medicine in hopes that it would help. Intially, I thought it was working but that was short lived and I continue to be really uncomfortable when I increase my activity.
Last week it was obvious when I met with the doctor that I needed to get off of it and try something different. Thankfully the new medicine has had minor SE so far, but I feel so drowsy and drugged. Supposedly this will decrease in time. I am only taking one and I am suppose increase it to six a day. I don't know how my body will respond to it.
Perry and the boys return Tuesday evening and I am praying that God will help me take care of the boys and give me wisdom with how to increase the medicine.

Contentment

It was three or four years ago when I bought the book Calm my Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow. It had been highly recommended to me and so I was interested. I did not necessarily feel anxious or feel that I was discontented but nonetheless I wanted to try it. After looking at the table of contents ( content to be me, content with circumstances, trusting God with the what ifs and if onlys) I knew I needed this book and since it has become one of my favorites.

It was hard to get past the beginning pages. She talked about a friend who had found her mother's journal. In it she discovered her mother's key to contentment. Her mother had worked with the pygmies in Africa for fifty-two years. This is what it said:

*Never allow yourself to complain about anything-not even the weather
*Never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else
*Never compare your lot with another's
*Never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise
*Never dwell on tomorrow-remember that tomorrow is God's, not ours

Wow! Try to apply these for even one day.

There are so many treasures in this book but I want to share a couple of highlights.
* "He infuses contentment into us through his Word"
*"Contentment comes from a proper relationship to God, not from a response to the circumstances. Our what ifs will either drive us to God and faith or they will drive us to worry and dependence on self"
*"Only as our hearts are fixed on our Sovereign, Loving Lord can we be at peace in the midst of the What ifs. We can only trust God when our focus is on Him and not on our circumstances"
* "Our anxiety should be used as a springboard to pray specifically"

There are so many wonderful things in this book and I pray for the grace to apply them in my life.

Being uncomfortable

As you can see from all these entries I have been on a steep learning curve the last year. There is a lot that God is teaching me and certainly a lot of it has been a bit uncomfortable. I have quoted Jennifer Rothschild a lot because her book has impacted me greatly. Her book "Lessons I learned in the Dark" is a lot about walking by faith. She points out that "the wilderness teaches us who we are and whom we really trust". She also said that God is much more interested in our character than our comfort.

Isn't it interesting that we would say that about our children. We are much more interested in their character than our children being comfortable all the time. We often have to make tough decisions for them because we want them to be Godly women and men some day. We want them to make good choices, and so it is with this love that we train and teach them.

Why is it that we don't allow God to do this in our lives? Do we question his love for us and cannot trust that he is more interested in our character?

I have often reflected on how we hate to be uncomfortable. We complain about our busy lives and we wonder when we will get a break. Then when we do get a break we are uncomfortable because we don't know what to do with ourselves. The rest or solitude is awkward. We feel like we need to fill every moment with something. What does that say about our lives? When was the last time you just sat in silence to hear from God? We hate to suffer and when it does come we are surprised and we think of it as an unexpected and unwanted intruder.

I have learned a lot about suffering from my brother and I know that this has helped me a lot during this time. It was very difficult for me to feel sorry for myself because my brother had it so much worse than I did. In fact, through this I have gained a heart of compassion for all that he has gone through . I could now identify in a way I couldn't otherwise.

I honestly admit that I have often been perplexed by suffering and by really hard things that happen. I have met people that have a lot of anger towards God for the problems they face. They have asked "Is God punishing me?"

It is through my brother and other peoples example that I think I understand another piece of the puzzle. I do not deny that sometimes we feel the consequences of our bad choices, but I also think that we live in a fallen world and because of that we are going to be afflicted with disease and problems and we are even going to unfortunately be affected by others bad decisions and mistakes. This is a hard reality! I have come to realize that God is weeping with my brother and me and those that have bodies that are not working properly. God wants us not to focus on the present but on the future where we will have new bodies. This is not our home!

It is with this perspective that I can go on. I can clearly see that he can redeem all things. I look at people who have gone through very hard times with God as their helper and I marvel at their perspective . Only God could do that and so that motivates me to ask God to do that in my life.

Next time: Contentment

The true source of hope

Here are some insights into hope that I have received in the last year.
In January I was struggling. I had relapsed for the second time and the doctor diagnosed me with the chronic form of Guillian Barre. I had suspected this, but it was very hard to accept. What does this mean? How do I take care of my children? How long will I have to be on these infusions? God, please help me to trust you and to put my hope in you. What does that even mean for me to put my hope only in God? God and I had a lot of conversations.

I now realize that there was a death that had to take place. I had to die to myself. I had no control. I remember in tears telling God that even if he did not restore my body here on earth, I would wait in eager expectation to when there would be no more pain, no more tears, and he would give me a new body. My hope was in him!
Amazingly enough, after the process of letting go God blessed us with good news. After a second and third opinion it was confirmed that I did not have the chronic form and hopefully in time I would recover. There is no doubt in my mind that God used this experience to help me put my focus in the right place.

Here are some quotes again from Jennifer Rothschild's book "Lessons I learned in the Dark" that have helped me.

Hope for healing is in him alone. Therefore my soul can wait-wait as long as it takes, even if it never happens here on earth. He alone is my rock and my refuge. My deliverance is not my source of hope-he is .

Hope in anything other than God himself will always disappoint.
When our hope is in God alone, not in what God can do for us, then we will not be shaken.

Don't fix your hope on earthly things like financial security, unruffled relationships, or restored health. The temporary things can never be a true source of hope. Instead fix your hope on God and his eternal word.

A quote from Jennifer's son " If God healed you here on earth you might love earth more and heaven is best"

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Such things were written in the Scriptures long ago to teach us. They give us hope and encourgement as we wait patiently for God's promises. Romans 15:4

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone, my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, he is my fortress I will not be shaken. Psalm 62:5


Next time: Am I willing to trade my comfort for companionship with God?

It is hard to wait!

Waiting strenthens us by teaching us that our joy and peace and hope don't depend on when our needs and wants are met. Jennifer Rothschild
Wow!! I have had to ponder this statement a lot. It is so hard to wait sometimes. We think our children are impatient. We are not much different.
Recovery from Guillian Barre has indeed been challenging and often very rocky. I felt like I was constantly waiting for the next Dr visit, waiting for the next test, waiting for the next day to come because I couldn't sleep and waiting for any sign of recovery. It has been like a roller coaster. In the midst of the waiting I have found myself saying" God please don't let me miss out on what you want to teach me" He took me literally and has given me treasures that I wouldn't have received if he had immediately taken things away.

Psalm 40 I waited patiently for the Lord, he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire, he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.

Any vision for the future that is full of failure and empty of hope is not from God.
God doesn't want us to know the future. He wants us to know him. He wants us to trust him to guide us into the future one stip at a time.
Power of Praying Parent

One of my favorites from Calm my Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow
The Lord is my peace. I shall not live in anxiety. He puts me under his wing of comfort and calms my Spirit within me. He takes all my anxieties on Himself adn helps me to focus on him. Yes, though I walk wthrough a time of grave uncertainties and fierce anxieties, I will not fret-for you are my peace. Your word and your presence calm me now. You hold my uncertainties in the palm of your hand. You sooth my anxious mind--You smooth my wrinkled brow. Surely serenity and trust in you shall fill me all the days of my life. And I shall keep my mind stayed on you forever.

Next time: The true source of hope

Is God enough?

I vividly remember the day eight months ago that I was listening to a talk on the radio by Dr. David Jeremiah titled God is enough. I was quite intrigued by his message because I had been wrestling with this thought as I lay in my bed. I was in pain, could do very little activity and I couldn't read because my eyes were bothering me. It was in the spot that I was a very attentive listener.

Dr. Jeremiah shared that through his experience with cancer he had learned that God was indeed enough. He went on to say that if you don't have a relationship with God I would encourage you to get one because the storms will come and having God in the midst of it will make all the difference.

It became very obvious to me that it is not if but when. Several of my friends would say to me that they were scared about what was next in their lives. They said they didn't know how they could handle my situation. I think we all have storms in our lives (i.e. difficult marriages, physical problems, job stress). The reality of living in a fallen world hits hard sometimes.

I have pondered Dr. Jeremiah's message and indeed asked "Does it make a difference?" and it wasn't until recently that God revealed to me something very profound.
Almost eight years ago Perry and I went through a very difficult season. We had had multiple moves, a sick child , a miscarriage, and a loss of a dream that was very hard for us. Looking back I realize that prior to this season I did not have a close relationship with God. I had a relationship but it was not vibrant and growing. I was working full-time and busy with life. I think we can all relate. When the storm hit it was very hard and I struggled. I was not making some good choices and I was choosing to look at the waves instead of God.

This storm has been so much different. Yes, my physical body is struggling but spiritually walking closely to God in the midst of it has been amazing!

I am very thankful for this comparison and I pray that God would continue to remind me how much I need him for the big and little challenges in life. I am even more thankful for his grace for the times I so easily forget.

Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16

Next time: It is hard to wait!