The battle is real!

There are many days and many moments when I have feel like I am in battle. Battling to remain hopeful, battling to recover, and battling to take care of my family amidst a body that doesn’t want to function properly. And especially battling through scripture and prayer when it feels like the enemy is wanting to devour me and my family. The battle has been more real to me and reading the psalms has helped me realize that David knew how fierce the battle could be. I am so thankful that he wrote his psalms (Ps 46,63) down because it has brought me incredible perspective, insight and has motivated me to fight. Like never before I find myself praying about everything big and small. I have been humbled sometimes when I realize that I should pray more for the little things. I had a great reminder of this last week.

I have needed to buy some pajamas and jeans for Bennett and it seems that it takes me forever to do errands like that right now. It all depends on what other activities we have and my pain levels whether I can do errands or not. I honestly didn’t pray about it, but knew it would eventually get done. Last week there was a box left at our house by my friend who has blessed us many other times with clothes. I probably don’t need to tell you what was in the box….. not one, but four pairs of pajamas and several pairs of pants. I admit, I was teary and so thankful. I often tease my friend and tell her that she must get memos from God because every time she brings clothes to us it is exactly what we need.

I am so glad that he cares for the big things too. I have been battling in prayer for Bennett too. Recently, we discovered he has a learning disability. We suspected this last year, but thought that with practice it would improve. God led us to go and have him assessed at the Baylor Speech clinic which gave us great insight into his needs. We were so thankful to have their expertise and were so humbled when he got a therapy spot for four hours each week. Yes, it is an adjustment and I feel like I am on a very steep learning curve. But the amazing thing is that because of my illness, my life has remained simple and I have time to learn. I really believe through prayer Bennett has adjusted very well to the therapy and I see benefits already. I find myself constantly having to give Bennett over to God knowing that he is in control and that he loves Bennett so much more than I do. There is no doubt that God gave Bennett a special personality for a reason. His laughter and smiles and even his made up songs and bad jokes have brought me joy during the hard days.

I read this quote recently which I thought captured it well

It puzzles me; but Lord, You understand
And will one day explain this crooked thing.
Meanwhile, I know that is has worked Your best
Its very crookedness taught me to cling.

So I will thank and praise You for this puzzle,
And trust where I cannot understand.
Rejoicing You hold me worth such testing,
I cling the closer to Your guiding hand.

A day at a time

Once a week and it usually happens on a Thursday I have and need a rest (bed) day. To some it may seem like an inconvenience but for me it is a necessity and believe it or not usually a blessing. Several people have said to me that on the days that the boys are both at school I probably struggle not to do too much. Occasionally maybe but usually not. I have had to let go of a lot. No, I don't like to be in pain or feel terrible, but the days in bed are the ones when I learn the most. Those are the days when I do a lot of praying and thinking and reflecting.

One of my favorite times of day is at 830am. This is not because I have just dropped off Cody, but because that is when I listen to the Focus on the Family broadcast. Prior to my illness I did not listen and I wish I had. I have been so blessed and inspired by listening to different speakers. This morning was no exception as I listened to Dr. David Jeremiah talk about his new book"When your world falls apart". Listening to him talk about his battle with cancer and what he learned sure resonated with me. Not because I can relate to having cancer but about God's presence, peace and provision during something hard. Interestingly enough he is a speaker that really ministered to me during the first part of my illness. I find I can relate a lot more these days to people who are in pain and I think a great thing is that I am more willing to go to people's place of pain without being uncomfortable. There have been several times in the last month when I have thanked God for using my pain to minister to someone. No, I can't physically help people as much like I used to, but I sure can pray and encourage people.

The good news from the blood work I had done is that I do not have an inflammatory disease ie. lupus, rheumatoid arthritis etc. This leads us to believe that the pain and symptoms are still from my nerves recovering. I have to be honest and say that it has been hard to rest in my diagnoses mainly because some of my symptoms don't match up to the typical case of Guillian Barre. Following the most recent blood work I have had to make a decision to rest in what we know right now and take a day at a time. This past weekend I was more convinced than ever how much my medicine is helping. I was getting low on medicine and had not made it to the pharmacy to get my new prescription. I knew that Perry was going to go grocery shopping on Sunday and decided to wait until then. Unfortunately, I did not realize that the pharmacy closed early. I had no medicine to take at night and as a result slept very poorly because my legs where burning so bad. I am so thankful that we found something to help and I am trying to slowly increase it during the day to get more relief. Please pray that I will be able to tolerate it. From someone who never took medicine it is a big adjustment to constantly be thinking about when my next pill is due. This is an interesting season.